NORTH WILKESBORO

Wilkes County lawmakers, in concert with the chamber of commerce, have decided that enough government stupidity is enough and are bringing a new festival to town!

The “Speed to Weed Festival” will debut in May 2010 in downtown North Wilkesboro.

Citing overt governmental hypocrisy in endorsing and enabling tens of thousands of alcohol-related deaths every year while at the same time forbidding giggle weed, the groups’ spokeswoman said “It’s time for a change. We’re going to turn Wilkes County from a playground for speed to a mecca for weed.”

RFD America agrees with this new trend. “Legalizing marijuana would lead to immediate and burgeoning economic growth. It would keep other commodity prices stable as the amount of cropland devoted to corn and other chemical intensive crops would be limited. It would be the death of ethanol production, which hasn’t made money for anyone except Monsanto and non-government organizations that are funded by taxpayer money. That’s what happens when you let urban elitists make rural policy. “

Wine drinkers will be welcome at the new festival too, although they may be looked down upon a bit since their choice of intoxicant happens to be fashionably “in” and legal. And since wine will be used to help cleanse the palate after tokes, it’s only natural that wine snobs should attend the new festival. Wine and cheese elitists should be forewarned that valet parking will be unavailable and hairstyles other than “The Mushroom” and “The Business Crew” are perfectly acceptable.

Four years ago, in a fit of unheard-of common sense, North Carolina lawmakers finally made beer containing more than 3.5% alcohol legal, reversing a law dating back many decades. Back in the day, many of the state’s big wigs were also big employers – big employers who were scared that high-powered beer would make their profits dwindle as workers came to work half-lit every morning.

So it is evident that even government can move in the right direction. Although sometimes it takes decades even with an effective lobby, something that weed currently doesn’t have. A half-dozen head shop owners with dreads doesn’t count as “effective lobby.” On the other hand, a hundred or more farmers riding tractors down Main Street might make some heads turn.

Several Commissioners have voiced a desire to change the County slogan after the first “Speed to Weed Festival” comes to fruition.  The number one favorite is currently:

“Wilkes County Will Save the Planet – One Liver at a Time.”

They like trout.

A friend of mine is opening a new restaurant in West Jefferson called When Pigs Fly BBQ & Wings.

So is there a big throwball game today or what?